A Main Street Mom

Social skills...are they a thing of the past?

2009-02-25T07:05:00.003-05:00

So yesterday, I fell into the endless abyss of Facebook. Encouraged by my sister and an old friend from grade school, I set up my Facebook page and....went nuts. It's a pretty crazy place to be, but when you figure out how it works, it's amazing how easy it is to reconnect with people you haven't seen or heard from in years. I highly recommend it.

It did make me wonder, however, what is the future of social interaction in our society? We already have kids who run into telephone poles while texting, we have people who would just as soon lop off limbs before parting with their Blackberries, and we have people who are addicted to....well....Facebook.

Are we going to lose our ability to sit and have an old-fashioned chat? Will we forget social graces, like inviting someone over for dinner and cards, sending thank you notes, and actually dropping something in the snail mail for a loved one's birthday? I certainly hope not. But that potential looms out there on the horizon.

This week I'm focusing on social interaction between my children. There has been no TV and no computers (IM'ing is a big here.) There has been less bickering, less arguing, and more chore-doing. :) Mom's happy. Mom likes this....a lot. I hope it continues!

Re-Jump-Starting My Blog: It's been too long!

2009-02-04T15:45:00.004-05:00

So today is my birthday. I won't get into specifics, but I'll just say that I colored my hair for the very first time today, and my four-year-old helped. She's an amazing critic and has a future in the world right next to Joan Rivers.

My eleven-year-old baked a cake for me, and this morning she made a full breakfast! It was delicious, and I felt so blessed. My parents called to wish me a happy birthday, and I hung up wondering why I didn't honor them in return, since they brought me into this world.

At the moment, the piano teacher is here to work with the four older children, and the sounds of their keyboard struggles fill my heart with joy! It's been 11 years since I started staying home with my kids, and I cannot imagine being anywhere else. Cabin fever has shown up with a vengeance, and it seems that the only stuff in the news is bad news, but I'm at home. It's days like this when I pull out my knitting or a stack of magazines that's been idle for long, and just relax and enjoy my surroundings. Life really is good.

Dealing with Isolation

2008-11-11T16:27:00.003-05:00

Did anyone out there know just how isolating it was going to be when you first started staying home with your children? It’s easy to think the whole world is going on without you, and that nobody else out there understands what it feels like. Before you start calling Loner’s Anonymous though, consider a few things:

For a long time, being at home full-time with my children was only a dream, but when my husband and I were able to make it come true, I was thrilled. One year later I still love being a SAHM, but I must admit there are days when it feels a little like "solitary confinement" for a prisoner of war. Being the type of person who is quite prone to the depression that can accompany loneliness, I knew I needed to do something to prevent myself from feeling totally isolated from the world.

It’s a Lonely World in the House!
When I left my job, I didn’t have a single friend in my town that was a SAHM. That left me with only my two year old and a newborn for company and conversation during the day. Pretty soon the loneliness crept in and I began to feel disconnected from the outside world. I felt like life was going on without me. To make things worse, I wasn’t prepared for negative responses to my choice to stay at home. The comments like "Don’t sit around and get fat!" and "You’re wasting your education!" served to isolate me even further from my working friends. Overnight, I no longer had a peer group with whom I could discuss my thoughts and ideas. Then the depression started. With no one to talk to about your feelings, this situation only becomes worse over time. A person who is depressed suffers from low self-esteem, black and white thinking (mostly black), irritability, and plummeting energy levels. The last thing a mom with small children needs is to have no energy! This change in personality can begin to affect your marriage and your relationship with your children.

Many SAHMs begin to depend on their husbands as their only source of friendship and connection to the world outside the home. But no matter how stable and loving the marriage, depending on one person to provide all of our intimacy can strangle the relationship. Most SAHMs are looking for empathy and understanding, and even the most caring husbands cannot identify with what it is like to be a SAHM. No one can, except someone who has experienced it.

A depressed and irritable mother with no energy is not someone with whom children enjoy spending time. After a couple of months of feeling this way, I began to wonder if my children would be better off in day care with a more patient caregiver who had enough energy to spend time playing with them. I knew in my heart that the very best person to raise my children was me, so I sought out other mothers in the same situation, and my stay-at-home life began to turn around.

Seeking out other SAHMs
You may be thinking, "I don’t have time to start new friendships" or "I’m too shy to become friends with virtual strangers." Let me just say that the friendships that you make with other mothers are worth the time it takes to foster them, and other SAHMs will definitely not be strangers to you. When I joined a Mom’s and Tot’s group, I was overwhelmed at how much we all had in common, and many of us felt as if we had known each other forever. In this group I found friends who understood exactly how I felt and could provide insight into dealing with the problems that come with being at home.

Suddenly I had women to talk to who understood what I was feeling, even if I didn’t understand it myself. The playgroups that were scheduled for our kids were beneficial to the children, and it gave me something to look forward to. I know I would have given up on my stay-at-home life had I not found this group of kindred spirits to support and reaffirm my choice to be at home. Look around you, I’m sure there are women who need that type of friendship and would love the opportunity to provide it for you.

A Few More Things to Remember When You’re Feeling Lonely….
1. When you put your role in your family’s life in perspective, this is but a temporary situation. As much as you love being your children’s mother, albeit a lonely existence at times, the time when they won’t need you quite so close at hand is not that far away. In only five short years, your infant will be in Kindergarten, your toddler will be in grade school, or your first-grader will be either selling Girl Scout cookies all by herself or handing you his football schedule for the year. Wow! Five years can seem like a long time, but when you regard it as a small piece of the pie that our whole life comprises, it will go by way too fast!

2. This may be the best time for you to develop your spiritual side, which requires some solitude at times. And who benefits besides you? Your children, of course. When you can demonstrate spirituality, your kids are so much more likely to embrace the idea, too. The earlier the better for them to learn to bring God into their lives and get to know their Creator.

3. Many people today, in this world of fast-paced chaos, often feel that they just don’t have the time to put into relationships outside their home like they would like to. Maybe this is the time to try to do just that. If you have friends with whom you have lost touch because of working 50 hours a week and trying to care for a family at the same time, perhaps now you have some time to make a list of people to whom you could write. So sit down and write one letter a week until you are caught up. Or, you may find a simple phone call is more effective.

4. It’s amazing how getting outside can take away the feelings of being sequestered. Even if the weather’s cold, snowy, windy, or if it’s gorgeous, the great outdoors can blow away the feeling that the world is ambling along without you. You may even see a friendly face and someone to talk to for a few minutes. That can lift your spirits!

5. E-mail has been such a joy for me, as silly as it sounds to get so much pleasure out of a computer! I have a regular network of people with whom I e-mail everyday, and it really gives a lift to my day when a message from one of my sisters pops up, or I get a funny note from an old college buddy. Use it to your advantage if you have it! Swap recipes, tell jokes, get and give Christmas gift ideas, or plan a shopping venture. It’s much more convenient than trying to talk on the phone while your kids are throwing soup against the wall or crushing M&Ms into the carpet (not that any of our children would ever behave as such, right?)

What’s the bottom line? You are not alone. Find the best way for you to build a network of moms who can help you be the best mother you can be for your children: one who is happy, secure, fun-loving, and loved.

Bring Your Child to Work Day

2008-04-24T15:38:00.004-04:00

I love it...it's Bring Your Child to Work Day, and my three oldest daughters are with Daddy at his office. Of course, they're missing out on some key prep time for state achievement testing, but we'll try to make it up over the weekend. What better way to spend a day, though, checking out what Daddy does at work? None of the teachers were pleased out this, and I get the feeling they all wonder why we can't offer this type of thing in the summer time. Good idea!

The girls all had their outfits picked out last night...little professionals, they were! They were told no open-toe shoes, no jeans, no shorts. I agree! They started out with donuts for breakfast, and they were sent off to hear different speakers talk about what Daddy's company does. Even Daddy had a presentation to make...it was part of the deal since he was a day late getting them registered.

I'm anxious to hear what they have to say about their day. They should be home any time now! Let's hope that being in a disciplined, professional environment for a day showed them why we are so critical of their attire for going to school and church. Maybe now they'll get it!

I Have No Right to Complain

2008-04-10T07:37:00.005-04:00

I Have No Right to Complain

by Mia Cronan, http://MainStreetMom.com

I’m doing exactly what I wanted to do, and with a lot more resources, appliances, and conveniences than my mother had when she raised six kids full-time!

As a child I always dreamed of one day when I would have my own home and family. But by the time I got to high school, I knew I wanted a high-powered career in business, in some capacity. I got my business degree, and went on to work for a large hotel chain in management, and was thrilled with my career. Then one day, I met my husband-to-be. We dated for a year, got married, and had our first daughter later the following year. After being home for the government-approved 12 weeks, I went back to work. The suits were a bit snug yet, but it still felt good being back in them…for a while.

Dropping my baby off at the babysitter’s house for the first time was tougher than tough. I cried my first day back at work for most of the day, behind the closed door of my office. Thank goodness I had an understanding boss who had kids of his own! I just knew things would get easier soon. Weeks went by, we moved to another city, and I got a new job within the same hotel chain. We found a suitable daycare, and back we jumped onto the treadmill. We learned we were expecting our second daughter in a few months, and we were thrilled! Weeks went by, and I continued to drop the baby at daycare and dash off to work until I was five months pregnant.

Then it hit me. I couldn’t do it anymore. I could no longer leave my baby with strangers, nice as they were. They saw her first steps, they saw her giggle all day with her playmates, they gave her hugs when she went boomsy, they fed her her meals, and they kept her clean and dry. That was my job, but I was at work.

Discomfort from pregnancy started setting into my back, and that was enough for my husband and me to start talking about my staying home full-time. It would be tight. We were accustomed to a budget with money leftover at the end of the month. And what would I do to prevent boredom while my little ones were sleeping? So, a week or two went by, and I did it. I gave notice and worked out a 4-week period, feeling tremendous relief beginning the moment I handed the letter to my boss. I was free to be the mommy I wanted to be since childhood.

My first day home was rough, albeit a quirk. My daughter, then 15 months, got violently sick and ran a high fever for the entire day. What would I have done if I hadn’t quit my job? I’d have had to call in sick, but as it was, I was there with her, holding her all day with thankfully nowhere to be. As much as I hated that she was sick, I was thrilled to be the one giving her comfort. I couldn’t help but think it was something telling me that we had made the right decision.

Time went by, I loved being at home, but loneliness set it. My second daughter was born, and we had a whole new schedule to which we must get accustomed. My husband's job relocated us to another city, and we got settled into a new home. My days were pretty much predictable, but they were also filled with new surprises, one of which was how messy kids are! I couldn’t get over it! I felt like I spent my life picking up the kids’ toys! And the kitchen…ugh…I couldn’t keep up with it. As soon as I’d clean up from one meal, it was time to think about the next. Shall I even mention the laundry? I noticed my patience getting shorter and shorter.

I met some other moms with whom I could commiserate. We would go on and on about the stress of trying to keep a home of which Martha Stewart would be proud, the constant flow of dirty laundry, the lack of sleep, our clothes which never lacked some caliber of stains, and the isolation of being at home full-time.

A lot of time has passed since that phase, I have three daughters and a son, and I can honestly say that now I look at things differently. Thank goodness for that. I have no right to complain. I’m doing exactly what I wanted to do, and with a lot more resources, appliances, and conveniences than my mother had when she raised six kids full-time! I am the first person my kids see in the morning, and my husband and I are the last ones they see at night. I choose what they eat, and I am with them while they eat it. I have the privilege of changing their diapers, and I even get to be the one to clean up when they get sick. It’s my husband and me who are teaching them how to pray, how to know right from wrong, and how to live and love within a family. I get to see their artwork fresh off the table, and I get to hang it right on the fridge while I ooh and aah their work.

To top it off, I am able to maintain a business at home – no boss, no schedule, no nylons or high heels, and no meetings. And when it’s time for a break, I get up and walk outside in the grass with no shoes on, or I curl up on the couch with one of my tots and read a story. I can even let the dishes pile up in the sink for a bit so we can go to the park, because heaven knows those dishes aren’t going anywhere. My uniform is shorts and a t-shirt, or sweats and a sweatshirt. My lunch break might consist of peanut butter and jelly crusts and the leftover pieces of fruit cocktail that the girls don’t like. But I’m home. And I have no right to complain.

Piano Lessons

2008-03-31T19:08:00.000-04:00

Piano Lessons

by Mia Cronan, http://MainStreetMom.com

This short episode left a message on my heart. We as parents have so little time to teach the important lessons in life, the ones that will shape our children's evolving personalities and define who they are when they're on their own.

My five-year-old daughter has been taking piano lessons now for six months, ever since I agreed after weeks of her talking about it. Coming from something of a musical family, I was thrilled by her interest and was anxious to find a suitable teacher for her. I sought out and found a wonderful lady who is also the organist at a local church and felt very good about the endeavor. I didn't even mind spending the money, and as we all know, when one is part of a one-income family, every expense must be carefully weighed.

Things started off well. We practiced for about 10 minutes each day, even after the teacher said to practice just five minutes a day so that her fingers would get stronger in time. Each week, I was told her fingers were indeed gaining strength, and she was really learning her notes. The piano teacher indicated that, by not taking a break over summer in keeping with the school schedule, we would continue and flexibly dodge the vacations, events, and family activities that summer brings. "It's better than no piano at all," she said. A couple months went by, school let out, summer began, and we did a bit of traveling. In that time, we had very little time to practice, or to even think about the piano.

When things calmed down, we made an effort to get back into a routine before the next batch of summer travel hit us. After two weeks of no piano, I told my daughter it was time to practice so she would be ready for her lesson that day. My goodness, was I sorry I hadn't done a better job of encouraging the regular routine! She sat down, looked bored, and clearly wanted to be elsewhere. I opened the first of her four books and tried to get her started where we last left off. She stumbled through a couple notes and asked if we were done yet. Nope. We had a couple more books and several pages to go. I stepped out of the room for a moment to check on her little sisters, and when I came back I found my daughter rolling on the floor playing with the cat. Time for a chat, or should I say, speech.

We sat down together, and I asked her if she really liked taking piano. She most assuredly said yes! She went so far as to say that she wanted to be really good at it, just like her uncle. I asked her if she knew how her uncle got to be so good. She said, "Yes, by practicing," and it was at that moment that the light seemed to burn extra bright behind her pretty blue eyes. So the idea was not totally foreign to her, nor the cause totally lost. So we talked about how you can grudgingly set out to do something in a mediocre way and say that, yes, you did it. Or, you can set out to do your very best for a short amount of time and walk away satisfied that you could not have done any better with all the effort in the world.

She stood up and said, "Mom, I'm ready to do my best." She went over to the piano, sat down, and played her Christopher Columbus song with confidence and rhythm, not missing one note. Then she looked over at me with a knowing grin on her face and said, "Well, how was that? I did my best!" And she had. She finished her lesson and bounced away with her earned piece of gum, and said she was ready to go to her teacher's house.

That short episode left a message on my heart. We as parents have so little time to teach the important lessons in life, the ones that will shape our children's evolving personalities and define who they are when they're on their own. I saw the value in taking five minutes to explain a life concept to my daughter and she grabbed the ball and ran with it. Now I realize how often those opportunities present themselves, several times, every single day. I thank God I can be home with my children everyday so that I am the one teaching them those lessons and reinforcing them to myself as I do so.

"Children need their mother's affection and guidance, and long periods of time with alone with her. That's what gives them security in an often confusing new world." ~ Jackie Kennedy Onassis

Mom's Identity Crisis

2008-03-28T12:59:00.001-04:00

Mom's Identity Crisis
by
Mia Cronan, http://MainStreetMom.com

Do you ever wonder what the rest of the world is doing while you are up to your ears in laundry, dishes, and toys? That can be a daunting thought, even on your best of days or especially on those days when you know you won t be leaving the house except to get the mail. Sometimes it can be hard to remember getting up every morning, showering in peace, having a nice, hot cup of coffee, putting on pretty clothes that have no spit-up (or worse) on the shoulder, and leaving the house to go to a job where a raise is expected if you do your best. Remember lunches out with the girls? They didn’t wear bibs or use sippy cups, did they?! Remember being waited on by a friendly server (who also bears no spit-up on his shirt?) Can you recall not asking for crayons to go with the place mat? How about carrying that handsome briefcase into a meeting during which you can nod approvingly at intelligent comments and grin at corporate humor that only an adult can understand? Or think back to shaking hands with a customer even if you are unable to agree on an issue, rather than threatening to spank your customer if he doesn’t promptly remove the Jell-O from his nose. Now there’s a stroll down Memory Lane, huh?!

As time wears on, however, this reckoning with the more intellectual world gets easier to confront. We know we have brains in our heads. Heck, a successful company, educational institution, or medical/legal practice hired us once, right? And don’t you forget it! There is a lot to be offered, as well as gained, by those who are no longer in the corporate world. We’ve all heard the expression, "The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world." We believe there is a lot of truth to that. The world needs mothers who are willing and able to be at home, sacrificing material things so that their children will be able to take a strong place in the world one day with good morals, strong values, spiritual backbone, and the ability to contribute to the lives of those who are not as well equipped.

Sometimes it might feel like you have given up a lot of yourself in order to provide your children with these substances. However, when you give some real thought to what your children gain by your uncompromised presence, you will know that you are giving them everything you can to ready them for the world. In turn, you reap the benefits of being the one to witness the serendipitous wonders of the first wobbly steps, hearing the first magical words, and seeing the first toothless grins! More importantly, when those questions come up that you’ve been waiting years to answer to a child, such as "Where is God?" and "How come reindeer can fly?" you have got your chance. It beats hearing second-hand what another care-giver might tell the child in response to those inquiries.

Fortunately for us, there are many ways to combat those lonely feelings, however. Personally, I have found e-mail to be a saving grace for those quiet times during naps when I need to communicate with the outside world. As silly as it sounds, you can feasibly feel more in touch with those with whom you would normally speak on only a monthly basis, by sending quick e-mails any time you want! But there are even more interactive ways, such as playgroups, to have a network of friends who understand the needs of a stay-at-home mom.

A routine can be as regimented or unrestrained as is best for you. In planning one, be sure to allocate plenty of play time just for you and your kids. You re home for them, after all. And they will learn in time that Mommy needs time to do other things, too. Some people find it helpful to do laundry on one or two particular days a week, and cleaning on one or two others. If this can be achieved, you will always have a feel for what kind of time you have available to spend outside the house with family or friends. Plan on some time for your own hobbies, too. The key is to stay balanced, and avoid feeling like you are always facing another day of "chores," so you can always be fresh and in a positive frame of mind for your children.

Without a routine, it can become drudgery just to get through a day. This can be said for newly retired people, those who are forced to be home while they heal from an injury or illness, or those who maintain jobs or businesses at home. At times, we all need to feel motivated by something in addition to our own impulses. So sit down, and map out a plan for your day if you have not already done so, even if it s as simple as a "to do" list. You might be surprised how much more you can accomplish with your time!